Monday, December 10, 2012

I suppose

I suppose I try to hard for a relationship that I instead do something that makes me not even relationship material. And I am fine with that. I guess. I do have these excited dreams and fantasies about having my life together and having a family. Little ones running around and laughter and happiness. My husband spending time with all of us. And then I have dreams about having one child, baby girl, and no male companion and the two of us traveling a lot and just seeing the world and seeing all the possibilities of life. I see that we learn so much psychology and understanding of people that we may even write a book about the common psychology, of course when she is not a little girl. We would challenge each others minds. And then I see myself without any children or companion. A bachelorette in this wild and crazy world. Having finances set and travels continuous. I don't know how I would be able to live life that way without someone to die with. I don't know about that "dream". Writing of dying with someone, I am slightly scared that if I find someone I fall completely and irrevocably in love with, what if they die while I am pregnant? The day before our wedding? While the children are so young they don't understand? When they are older and don't know what they are doing, and daddy isn't there to talk with? What kind of scary thoughts. I don't know, I get a little emotional just thinking about this. I am so emotional, AH! Feminine stuff!!!! I don't mind though, really. Just reminds me that I am a feeling and happy and living and caring and dreaming person who looks to the future without feeling overwhelmed. I don't think I get overwhelmed thinking of my favorite futures. I just get very happy and relieved I still have the choice to decide.

Well on another note, I have to be tolerable of myself and my actions. I have to forgive myself, I have gotten bad at that. After I did something that I don't quite fancy I started to really think about who I am and what I want of myself. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to feel frustrated or sad easily, I don't want to get discouraged by others as easily as I do. I get discouraged because I am around young people and I see their complete disregard for others and their feelings and I am deeply saddened by it because I care for everyone so much that when I see someone who doesn't quite care for someone or think of the benefits to the other person it makes me hurt. I just wish I could let people just feel how I feel if only for a moment in time. It's not like I am some kind of magical feeling person, it's just that everything touches my heart in some way and I let it in and let it flourish. I ponder about everything in life. I feel a lot because I think a lot. I wish I knew more young people like me. I would love to find a guy like me, not that I am perfect or amazing or grand or anything beyond spectacular, I just want someone who knows what is important in life. I just want someone to love and be loved back. Of course I have close calls but something about this person and that person. I just don't know about though, finding someone at my age is so hard because most the young people are very vain and think without thinking. They see what they want and go for it, they don't think about any consequences or anything beyond I want. They don't see how it may affect others. I am just not within my age group. I want to find someone who is educated in all aspects of life. I am lost at this moment as to who and what :)

Another note. I am very thankful for my life. I live with no regrets and without any doubt toward my future because I live with an open mind and without limits. I find that the universe exists without any told limits, so I shouldn't as well. Let me clear things up right there. What I mean by the universe existing without limits I mean man made limits, of course it has natural limits, some we know and some we don't. And for me that means I live without any limits except the common sense moral and honest "limits". I am just living day by day trying to understand myself and trying to understand others. I just don't know if I am well at it or what, but I just keep moving on and going from yesterday to tomorrow. I also try to not live so fast. I just allow life to come in as it may. Never rush life, we have one and once we are gone, no more on this planet. Try not to push your days together and live them at once. Please give yourself life. Open the possibilities! Life is full you overfill it. Don't complicate that which is simple.

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