Monday, December 24, 2012


Well I love a young man, or at least I feel this way. I have felt this way since about December last year and I have yet to get him off my mind. I did stupid and crazy things just to try to forget him but it didn't work. And now I have to go through a well needed process to be the right kind of person again. Not for him, for me. I am glad in a sense that he never gave me a chance because I took the wrong road yes but I have learned quite a bit on this journey. I have learned that I am the only person I can change, I am the only person I need to focus on in terms of things to become better at, I am strong without anyone, I have the strength and love I need, I will not give into others and I am happy with life. I am not one to dwell on the negative. It makes me feel uncomfortable, upset and yucky when I hear people constantly complaining. I don't mean to feel this way but I have an idea that you are given one life and to waste it on blaming, hating, complaining, lying, cheating, stealing, ungratefulness, sadness, guilt, selfish ways or anything of the sorts is very wasteful indeed. I know that life has its ups and downs but I know that when we focus on the bright side of life we will have only bright sides to see. I am a very happy person who has lived a kind of hard life. I may not have been through it all and that is perfectly good. I know that when you have faith and belief in yourself you can push yourself through any trial. You have the power to make your life all you want it to be. You have all you need within yourself. We do not need to be pitying ourselves for the tough times we were put through because of other people. That is just plain old blaming. That is not helping you accept and move on from the problems within your mind. You must take control of your life and actions. I know I need to too. I am including myself in all I say. I am progressing and I am happy because of that. I am doing it for myself and no one else. And that is what is going to help me go further. I realized then when I do things for me, I go further and further than expected. But when I push myself for others, I do not go as far because it is not a true desire of mine to do that or be that. I have become my own person and I am striving everyday to be more and more my own self. I have been through a lot and we all have, but we must never hold ourselves back because of fear or blame or anything. We have all the power we need within ourselves, we must seek it out and cultivate it. Love is not easy, life is not easy, nothing worth striving for is easy. Believe in yourself and your abilities. Love and happiness will conquer all. It all begins with love for one's self. Do not doubt yourself, do not destroy your dreams, do not take away life from your years. Have the power to love yourself and accept yourself. Believe. I love you all. Peace and good joy to your hearts and minds. Love you!

Monday, December 17, 2012


This may be controversial but whatevs.

I don't believe in heroes. I believe in people choosing the right in times of stress and chaos. I think when we put their status up to the status of hero we are holding them higher than everyone else, which doesn't create equality. And when we don't have equality we have disruption. I believe that most people with a conscience and common sense would do the same as those who are deemed heroes. So why come up with the pressure to be something we are incapable of being.

I think that heroes to little children is nice but wouldn't it be better for them to believe in the human desire to love and care for all. Than to think of someone as a super hero rather than an amazing person. I just don't agree with the pressure and the lack of reality to it. I know this may not settle well with others and that is perfectly fine. I believe in what I believe as you believe in what you believe. I believe in human strength through body, heart and mind. I believe we are more capable of many of things but we are held back because there is such a pressure to do it perfectly or to do it to standards already set.

Please believe in yourself. You know you are very much capable. Don't allow any pressure to push you away from realistic dreams and beliefs. But also don't push yourself too far over an edge where you are not capable of lifting yourself up. Have common sense to that which you are desiring. Not everyone has common sense but just generally think about a decision before deciding.

Anywho, if I can help you, let me know :)


Friday, December 14, 2012


Well, I have been thinking about love lately and how I just would like to find some good men to date in this small town. I have also been struggling with trying to come up with a weight loss plan I can achieve. I know I need to get better at losing weight and maintaining a healthy body for my heart. I am aging quite a bit more rapidly because of my lack of health. However, my laughing gives me back some life. I need to find a routine and stick to it. I just don't know what to do. I am curious about myself. I know when I really want something I will work my butt off but I don't know if I really want to lose weight and I know I should be concerned. I am too loosey goosey about too much. I need to start defining myself more and more. Refining my edges to make a well balanced person. I really am thinking about a lot lately. I don't necessarily know what I want out of myself right now. I don't know where I am going or doing. I am just living day to day right now. I don't think I want to plan anything out right now since I am all open and confused about some things. I have been irritable for months now and I don't know why. I wish I could overcome some things easier right now. That would greatly help. I need to be stronger and more willful to do that which I need to do. I have no idea what I really want. I know I want to go take some classes. I want to sing in a choir. Be in a dance class or some sort of active class to help me lose weight. I really hope I get the job at Panda, that would be pretty awesome. I don't know, it is late and I need to sleep. But all in all I am full of confusion. Should I this? Should I that? Oh lordy I don't know. I am trying to keep my mind open and free but we shall see I suppose :) I am just really hopeful and excited and nervous about the future. I don't know I am just in state of unknowing. But time will be the only answer for everything. Alrighty, I am pretty darn happy with my life. Please be with yours. I love you. Genuinely care for you. You are as great as others claim and as you feel sometimes. I know joy and sorrow, cherish everything! Love you.

Monday, December 10, 2012

I suppose

I suppose I try to hard for a relationship that I instead do something that makes me not even relationship material. And I am fine with that. I guess. I do have these excited dreams and fantasies about having my life together and having a family. Little ones running around and laughter and happiness. My husband spending time with all of us. And then I have dreams about having one child, baby girl, and no male companion and the two of us traveling a lot and just seeing the world and seeing all the possibilities of life. I see that we learn so much psychology and understanding of people that we may even write a book about the common psychology, of course when she is not a little girl. We would challenge each others minds. And then I see myself without any children or companion. A bachelorette in this wild and crazy world. Having finances set and travels continuous. I don't know how I would be able to live life that way without someone to die with. I don't know about that "dream". Writing of dying with someone, I am slightly scared that if I find someone I fall completely and irrevocably in love with, what if they die while I am pregnant? The day before our wedding? While the children are so young they don't understand? When they are older and don't know what they are doing, and daddy isn't there to talk with? What kind of scary thoughts. I don't know, I get a little emotional just thinking about this. I am so emotional, AH! Feminine stuff!!!! I don't mind though, really. Just reminds me that I am a feeling and happy and living and caring and dreaming person who looks to the future without feeling overwhelmed. I don't think I get overwhelmed thinking of my favorite futures. I just get very happy and relieved I still have the choice to decide.

Well on another note, I have to be tolerable of myself and my actions. I have to forgive myself, I have gotten bad at that. After I did something that I don't quite fancy I started to really think about who I am and what I want of myself. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to feel frustrated or sad easily, I don't want to get discouraged by others as easily as I do. I get discouraged because I am around young people and I see their complete disregard for others and their feelings and I am deeply saddened by it because I care for everyone so much that when I see someone who doesn't quite care for someone or think of the benefits to the other person it makes me hurt. I just wish I could let people just feel how I feel if only for a moment in time. It's not like I am some kind of magical feeling person, it's just that everything touches my heart in some way and I let it in and let it flourish. I ponder about everything in life. I feel a lot because I think a lot. I wish I knew more young people like me. I would love to find a guy like me, not that I am perfect or amazing or grand or anything beyond spectacular, I just want someone who knows what is important in life. I just want someone to love and be loved back. Of course I have close calls but something about this person and that person. I just don't know about though, finding someone at my age is so hard because most the young people are very vain and think without thinking. They see what they want and go for it, they don't think about any consequences or anything beyond I want. They don't see how it may affect others. I am just not within my age group. I want to find someone who is educated in all aspects of life. I am lost at this moment as to who and what :)

Another note. I am very thankful for my life. I live with no regrets and without any doubt toward my future because I live with an open mind and without limits. I find that the universe exists without any told limits, so I shouldn't as well. Let me clear things up right there. What I mean by the universe existing without limits I mean man made limits, of course it has natural limits, some we know and some we don't. And for me that means I live without any limits except the common sense moral and honest "limits". I am just living day by day trying to understand myself and trying to understand others. I just don't know if I am well at it or what, but I just keep moving on and going from yesterday to tomorrow. I also try to not live so fast. I just allow life to come in as it may. Never rush life, we have one and once we are gone, no more on this planet. Try not to push your days together and live them at once. Please give yourself life. Open the possibilities! Life is full you overfill it. Don't complicate that which is simple.