Hm....

Well I love a young man, or at least I feel this way. I have felt this way since about December last year and I have yet to get him off my mind. I did stupid and crazy things just to try to forget him but it didn't work. And now I have to go through a well needed process to be the right kind of person again. Not for him, for me. I am glad in a sense that he never gave me a chance because I took the wrong road yes but I have learned quite a bit on this journey. I have learned that I am the only person I can change, I am the only person I need to focus on in terms of things to become better at, I am strong without anyone, I have the strength and love I need, I will not give into others and I am happy with life. I am not one to dwell on the negative. It makes me feel uncomfortable, upset and yucky when I hear people constantly complaining. I don't mean to feel this way but I have an idea that you are given one life and to waste it on blaming, hating, complaining, lying, cheating, stealing, ungratefulness, sadness, guilt, selfish ways or anything of the sorts is very wasteful indeed. I know that life has its ups and downs but I know that when we focus on the bright side of life we will have only bright sides to see. I am a very happy person who has lived a kind of hard life. I may not have been through it all and that is perfectly good. I know that when you have faith and belief in yourself you can push yourself through any trial. You have the power to make your life all you want it to be. You have all you need within yourself. We do not need to be pitying ourselves for the tough times we were put through because of other people. That is just plain old blaming. That is not helping you accept and move on from the problems within your mind. You must take control of your life and actions. I know I need to too. I am including myself in all I say. I am progressing and I am happy because of that. I am doing it for myself and no one else. And that is what is going to help me go further. I realized then when I do things for me, I go further and further than expected. But when I push myself for others, I do not go as far because it is not a true desire of mine to do that or be that. I have become my own person and I am striving everyday to be more and more my own self. I have been through a lot and we all have, but we must never hold ourselves back because of fear or blame or anything. We have all the power we need within ourselves, we must seek it out and cultivate it. Love is not easy, life is not easy, nothing worth striving for is easy. Believe in yourself and your abilities. Love and happiness will conquer all. It all begins with love for one's self. Do not doubt yourself, do not destroy your dreams, do not take away life from your years. Have the power to love yourself and accept yourself. Believe. I love you all. Peace and good joy to your hearts and minds. Love you!

Thinking.....

This may be controversial but whatevs.

I don't believe in heroes. I believe in people choosing the right in times of stress and chaos. I think when we put their status up to the status of hero we are holding them higher than everyone else, which doesn't create equality. And when we don't have equality we have disruption. I believe that most people with a conscience and common sense would do the same as those who are deemed heroes. So why come up with the pressure to be something we are incapable of being.

I think that heroes to little children is nice but wouldn't it be better for them to believe in the human desire to love and care for all. Than to think of someone as a super hero rather than an amazing person. I just don't agree with the pressure and the lack of reality to it. I know this may not settle well with others and that is perfectly fine. I believe in what I believe as you believe in what you believe. I believe in human strength through body, heart and mind. I believe we are more capable of many of things but we are held back because there is such a pressure to do it perfectly or to do it to standards already set.

Please believe in yourself. You know you are very much capable. Don't allow any pressure to push you away from realistic dreams and beliefs. But also don't push yourself too far over an edge where you are not capable of lifting yourself up. Have common sense to that which you are desiring. Not everyone has common sense but just generally think about a decision before deciding.

Anywho, if I can help you, let me know :)

I LOVE YOU!

Hmmmm......

Well, I have been thinking about love lately and how I just would like to find some good men to date in this small town. I have also been struggling with trying to come up with a weight loss plan I can achieve. I know I need to get better at losing weight and maintaining a healthy body for my heart. I am aging quite a bit more rapidly because of my lack of health. However, my laughing gives me back some life. I need to find a routine and stick to it. I just don't know what to do. I am curious about myself. I know when I really want something I will work my butt off but I don't know if I really want to lose weight and I know I should be concerned. I am too loosey goosey about too much. I need to start defining myself more and more. Refining my edges to make a well balanced person. I really am thinking about a lot lately. I don't necessarily know what I want out of myself right now. I don't know where I am going or doing. I am just living day to day right now. I don't think I want to plan anything out right now since I am all open and confused about some things. I have been irritable for months now and I don't know why. I wish I could overcome some things easier right now. That would greatly help. I need to be stronger and more willful to do that which I need to do. I have no idea what I really want. I know I want to go take some classes. I want to sing in a choir. Be in a dance class or some sort of active class to help me lose weight. I really hope I get the job at Panda, that would be pretty awesome. I don't know, it is late and I need to sleep. But all in all I am full of confusion. Should I this? Should I that? Oh lordy I don't know. I am trying to keep my mind open and free but we shall see I suppose :) I am just really hopeful and excited and nervous about the future. I don't know I am just in state of unknowing. But time will be the only answer for everything. Alrighty, I am pretty darn happy with my life. Please be with yours. I love you. Genuinely care for you. You are as great as others claim and as you feel sometimes. I know joy and sorrow, cherish everything! Love you.

I suppose

I suppose I try to hard for a relationship that I instead do something that makes me not even relationship material. And I am fine with that. I guess. I do have these excited dreams and fantasies about having my life together and having a family. Little ones running around and laughter and happiness. My husband spending time with all of us. And then I have dreams about having one child, baby girl, and no male companion and the two of us traveling a lot and just seeing the world and seeing all the possibilities of life. I see that we learn so much psychology and understanding of people that we may even write a book about the common psychology, of course when she is not a little girl. We would challenge each others minds. And then I see myself without any children or companion. A bachelorette in this wild and crazy world. Having finances set and travels continuous. I don't know how I would be able to live life that way without someone to die with. I don't know about that "dream". Writing of dying with someone, I am slightly scared that if I find someone I fall completely and irrevocably in love with, what if they die while I am pregnant? The day before our wedding? While the children are so young they don't understand? When they are older and don't know what they are doing, and daddy isn't there to talk with? What kind of scary thoughts. I don't know, I get a little emotional just thinking about this. I am so emotional, AH! Feminine stuff!!!! I don't mind though, really. Just reminds me that I am a feeling and happy and living and caring and dreaming person who looks to the future without feeling overwhelmed. I don't think I get overwhelmed thinking of my favorite futures. I just get very happy and relieved I still have the choice to decide.

Well on another note, I have to be tolerable of myself and my actions. I have to forgive myself, I have gotten bad at that. After I did something that I don't quite fancy I started to really think about who I am and what I want of myself. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to feel frustrated or sad easily, I don't want to get discouraged by others as easily as I do. I get discouraged because I am around young people and I see their complete disregard for others and their feelings and I am deeply saddened by it because I care for everyone so much that when I see someone who doesn't quite care for someone or think of the benefits to the other person it makes me hurt. I just wish I could let people just feel how I feel if only for a moment in time. It's not like I am some kind of magical feeling person, it's just that everything touches my heart in some way and I let it in and let it flourish. I ponder about everything in life. I feel a lot because I think a lot. I wish I knew more young people like me. I would love to find a guy like me, not that I am perfect or amazing or grand or anything beyond spectacular, I just want someone who knows what is important in life. I just want someone to love and be loved back. Of course I have close calls but something about this person and that person. I just don't know about though, finding someone at my age is so hard because most the young people are very vain and think without thinking. They see what they want and go for it, they don't think about any consequences or anything beyond I want. They don't see how it may affect others. I am just not within my age group. I want to find someone who is educated in all aspects of life. I am lost at this moment as to who and what :)

Another note. I am very thankful for my life. I live with no regrets and without any doubt toward my future because I live with an open mind and without limits. I find that the universe exists without any told limits, so I shouldn't as well. Let me clear things up right there. What I mean by the universe existing without limits I mean man made limits, of course it has natural limits, some we know and some we don't. And for me that means I live without any limits except the common sense moral and honest "limits". I am just living day by day trying to understand myself and trying to understand others. I just don't know if I am well at it or what, but I just keep moving on and going from yesterday to tomorrow. I also try to not live so fast. I just allow life to come in as it may. Never rush life, we have one and once we are gone, no more on this planet. Try not to push your days together and live them at once. Please give yourself life. Open the possibilities! Life is full you overfill it. Don't complicate that which is simple.

Long time since

I haven't written in a long long time. I don't necessarily know what to write. But I am really happy with where I am in life. I am trying my hardest every day to succeed and become better than I was yesterday. I am doing a pretty good job at staying happy and content and level-headed. I am just plain old happy right now. I am fixing what needs to be fixed and moving right along with life. I feel as though life has been completed and even. Just fulfilling. I know things now that make me very happy. I am growing a lot and I am being the best I can be because I know where I want to go and I know what I am capable of. I am happy and I can truly say that with a peace in my heart. I am comfortable for once in my life and I feel like life will only just get better and better as I continue to strive for my future. I am the only one who can bring this life to life :) I like that little play on words type of thing. But people are way better at it than I am, I just have goofy fun with it since I am a goof and yeah, I am prefectly happy with that. I feel like my life is not held by any limits. I feel, hey wait, I feel. What? Wait, I feel? What is that? I haven't been able to do that for a long time. Hm, what happened? :) I know and I am happy. I know who I am because I now know where I came from. I know and that's all I ever strive for, knowledge. Knowledge is power but it is also helpful for all those who do not have it. And you, people, can edumacate people :) I love people! AHHHHHHH!!! I do, I do!!!! :) Love you all dearly :* kisses and hugs (mwa-mwa)

Thoughts

"Now, in our culture we've been trained for individual differences to stand out. So you look at each person and the immediate thought is...brighter, dumber, older, younger, richer, poorer, and we think of all these dimensional distinctions; put them in categories and treat them that way. And we get so that we only see others as separate from ourselves in the ways in which they are separate. And one of the dramatic characteristics of experience is being with another person and suddenly seeing the ways in which they are like you, not different from you, and experiencing the fact that which is essence in you and which is essence in me is indeed one. The understanding that there is no other. It is all one.
And I wasn't born Richard Alpert, I was just born as a human being, and then I learned this whole business of who I am. And whether I'm good or bad or achieving or not. All that's learned along the way."

Today has been a very philosophical day for me. I have been full of self exploring and explaining. This everything is so mind-blowing and capturing at the same time.

Life ends

If all I have left to say at the end of my life is "I tried hard at everything I did," I've lived a happy life. Because if I tried, I had heart, I had passion for what I did. Judge me, hate me, love me, accept me; do what you must, but my happiness doesn't depend on you. I've felt judged and still loved myself. I've felt hated and still accepted myself. I've felt loved and still hated myself. I've felt accepted and still judged myself. My happiness never depended on others, I just couldn't see it, in this world full of image. I love myself, always and forever. But I am not boastful; I am thoughtful.

Wowzers!! Life moves incredibly fast and amazingly. I am currently living at my sister's being a babysitter from 530 am to 400pm, best job ever. Long hours but I get to sleep on the job, so long as my niece is asleep :). The rest of the time I am off duty. However, I am a great aunt twenty-four seven ;) I enjoy what I am doing, there isn't much rest, like lazy rest, which is good and helpful to my bad routines. I am so blessed; it is hard for me to imagine my life without gratitude for our dear Heavenly Father. I love being a member of the truth and I love that I was open-hearted to the faithful messages Heavenly Father's children shared with me. I am so happy I was willing to be ready at the time in my life. I pray dearly, every single day for those who are unwilling to listen to the messages from God and continue to live thier live's without the greatest influence of the most magnificently loving Holy Spirit. I am so glad to have received the best gift of my life, the blessing of the Holy Ghost which in turn allows me to listen to Heavenly Father's will and which helps me toward my goal of the most Celestial Kingdom. I love Heavenly Father. I am so grateful for the many and continuous trials in my life. What a great blessing to be helped in the most constructive way. I mean think about it, when do we learn the most? When we have to work hard through something; we remember it the greatest because we had to work. Life is great, because we have to work for our joys and happiness. We have to actively be a particpant in our live's. We mustn't allow others to solely direct us or to have Heavenly Father solely direct us. We are human and therefore must direct our live's the way we see fit through guidance and experience. Heavenly Father loves us so much the He gave us agency and Jesus Christ most definitely loves us, He atoned for our sins that when we strayed from the path to our goal but whole-heartedly repented, He forgives our sin. What an amazing blessing to live. Please use the life you have been given to be a positive and loving influence on the live's of those you have never met, your best friends, your acquaintances, your family, yourself. Please love all, love must come before judging. It is the only way to truly be a friend and help those whom you can. We are striving to be Christ-like? Yes we are. We are sons and daughters of a most loving and caring Father in Heaven. I am loved. You are loved. I love you.

Today was a very productive day for me  :) I have made home-made pizza, bread and hopefully beans, for tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday. I feel accomplished  :) YES!!

I was just looking at pictures of a most amazing and worthy missionary. And then the thought of raising a family with the faith and knowledge of the truth. And then I thought about how I want Heavenly Father's children, the ones I bear, how I desire for them to go on missions. I love Heavenly Father so dearly and with much warmth in my heart. I am so grateful for missionaries and the amazing life they had a part in blessing me with. I know that some missionaries are not as strong as others, and had the missionaries fallen slightly, I may not have been the person writing this. However, I am the beautiful and worthy daughter today that is writing my thoughts and feelings down. I love you :)

I don't want to seem ungrateful for my beautifully blessed life, but I feel so unhappy right now. I probably am focusing on something that I don't need to be thinking about. Right now I am thinking about dating and how I have not been asked out once this semester. I know I am intimidating but may I please go out on one date. I don't want to marry you, I just want to get to know you. :) I love my life, no matter how ungrateful I sound I really am not. I am happy for my trials and friends and family that keep me strong and loving. I love you!
Love Nikki Elizabeth! :)

Going to the temple always clears my mind. Now I can say what I mean....I LOVE ALL OF YOU!! dearly. Thank you for all of the love you have shown me. I love you.

Well, I have been quite frustrated these past few weeks and I am trying to figure out why and I know why for most of my disappointment, but I wonder if there is something more that I could do. I am choosing to live my life more centered around Christ and I am trying to be happy through all of the sin. I am a very traditional person and I feel greatly that certain things should be regarded with the up most respect and consideration. However, I feel that the young people do not know consideration for someone other than themselves. I feel quite sad and like most of my peers are lonely, because they find joy and happiness in things that are empty. I feel that when I live the best I choose to, others live's are blessed so greatly that I think to myself why I even get down when there is no point or help for anyone in that. If I live righteously, others are going to see and they will desire to live better as well. But when I live in a slumpy and upset mood, I make others desire to stay the same or be effected by my non-appreciation for my blessings and love. I must say though, some people, I am one of them, sometimes when I see someone down and I am down too, I desire to be happier and living life to the fullest through their example of the "bad" puppy dog behavior. I know that I am a strong and beautiful daughter of Heavenly Father; I know that all the time. I just NEED to express it all the time. I need to help others see that life is so splendid and joyful. How can it not be? We don't have to travel to the temple, here at BYU-I. We don't have physical ailments that keep us from living comfortably daily, real serious ailments. We are able to read and understand the Gospel. We have been blessed the amazing bodies that function amazingly; that heal themselves, that digest food, that help us in many ways we are unable to completely understand. We are blessed. Count your blessings, name them one by one, you'll see, your life is all you want it to be and even MORE! I love life and I don't always express that because I allow the emotions of the world inside my heart and I want to say sorry if I have ever increased the likelihood of you feeling ungrateful, or sad, or lonely, or any other emotion not of our dear Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I am sorry, dearly I am. I love you and thank you, what beautiful people I am surrounded by. What amazing blessings of friendship and opportunity in this life through the ones I love. Thank you for all of your examples in one way or another, all of you have influenced me. Thank you for helping me become the strong and worthy daughter of God. Your blessings are many, and your tribulations few. Love you and joy to the world, Our Saviour is to come. A day to be working toward and in awe of. Amazingly blessed, yes we are. Love you!

Amazing!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuDg4JELjHA&feature=related

So, today I was just walking in the amazing weather and then from behind me I heard:
"WOOOOHOOOOO!!!!! I LOVE THIS WEATHER!" -one young priesthood holder
"I'M WITH YOU ON THE EXCITEMENT, SIR" -another priesthood holder
"THANK YOU, SIR!"

Amazing how so many, including myself complain about the weather. Why must we complain about such blessings. God does not give us blessings we cannot handle. I know that, I believe it. And I love you all. Thank you for reading my blog.